Fighting with our spouse, partner, friend or family member can be painful for all involved. Here are some fair fighting rules that will help with relationship conflict.
In all honesty, it is hard to stay with “fair fighting rules” once our emotions get up, and we are in the middle of a strong discussion. What we need to remember is that the person we are fronting up to, is our friend, our lover, or our family (or all three). We don’t need to WIN-AT-ALL-COSTS, with these people. We need to love them unconditionally. And unconditional love means, we love them even when they are wrong, or do something dumb, or don’t help with the dishes, or get home late etc. We may not understand or approve of what they do, but we don’t get to control them.
We do get to say “If you keep yelling, I will leave the room” (as long as we do leave the room if they keep yelling). This is us saying what we will do, not telling them what they have to do.
If we are feeling angry and over emotional, we can say we are angry and we will talk later when we have calmed down and cleared our head (as long as we do talk later).
Remember it takes two people to fight. If we care about the other person, then we can just be interested in what they are feeling and thinking. This can take all of the fight out of an argument. As opposed to being defensive, which just escalates an argument.
If we try and step into the other persons shoes and see it from their point of view, we often, understand why they think they are right. While at the same time, we can see how we are also right from our point of view. We can actually both be right to some degree. It is rare that anything is either black or white.
Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship and our aim, with any disagreement, should be to focus on getting a resolution rather than winning or being right.
Written by Lynda Timperley Btch, Dip Psych, Cert Life Coaching.
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